Surviving Read online

  “Jesus Christ!” I pull her as close as I can so she can feel how affected I am. “Do you feel me?”

  She giggles. “Yes, it’s kinda hard to miss.”

  “Well, it missed you! Do you know how long it’s been?”

  “No, I’m not sure I need to hear either,” she whispers and tries to pull away.

  “Hey, what are you thinking? Why are you pulling away?”

  “Because I’m not ready to hear about that yet.” She continues to wiggle against me trying to move back.

  “Raven what are you talking about?” I hold her firmly.

  Her lips start to twitch, and I know she’s about to cry. “I figured you would have had a wild summer. I’m the one who told you we were on a break, so I’m prepared for the consequences.”

  It hits me hard in the chest. She thinks I fucked around this summer. “Baby, I didn’t touch another woman. I haven’t been with anyone but you, in any way, since last July when we met. Did you think I would ever be able to replace you? I don’t even look at other women. You’re it for me. Why would you think anything different?”

  She shrugs her shoulders but doesn’t answer me. Then it hits me.

  “Fucking son of a bitch! I did this didn’t I? I broke your confidence in us.” I let her go and stand up to pace. “You told me, you fucking told me, and I was too confused and focused on Sayge to take you seriously. Now you’re back in my arms thinking I fucked around on you.”

  I don’t wait for her response but turn toward the bathroom and slam the door. I stick my head under the cold water trying to calm my anger. Thinking back on the last few hours, I recognize how shy she’s been around me and her hesitancy. The Raven I knew was loving, carefree, vibrant, and spoke her mind. The woman in that bed is scared to even kiss me. I wish Finn were here so he could kick my ass. I hear the sniffs coming from the other room and feel guilty for making her cry. I calm down and go back to her.

  She’s turned off all the lights except for my bedside lamp. I crawl in and pull her from her fetal position into me. Her body is stiff against mine. “Raven, come to me and let it out. I know your crying, cry on me. I can’t believe I did this to us. I thought just being together tonight would magically fix us, but I didn’t realize my monumental fuck up was so deep.”

  “It wasn’t just your fuck up. I fucked up too. You didn’t break the confidence, I think I did that. But regardless, I’ve had a pretty emotional week and even more emotional day.”

  “Tell me something, why did you think I cheated on you while you were gone?”

  “I’m not sure. I saw a few pictures that made me uncomfortable and then Charlie said she saw a girl leaving the bus one night really late. I couldn’t say anything because I told you we were on a break.”

  “I didn’t take you seriously but I can see how it would worry you. I spent too much time trying to figure out how to get you back to me. Girls weren’t even on my radar. That girl Charlie saw was quickly dismissed. She snuck on the bus and waited for me. When she came onto me, I shut her down and showed her the door.”

  “Dec, I know you don’t want to talk about Finn but I need to tell you something. I love Finn; I’ve loved him for most of my life. But you are the love of my life. He knows that, I know that, and I want you to know that.”

  There it is. The personal demons that have filled my head the last few months vanish. My Raven’s still here even though we’ve gone through hell.

  “I feel the same way, you are my everything. I won’t let you down again. If I have to spend the next sixty years of our lives proving you’re my reason for living, then I take the challenge. You’re the love of my life too, and together we will write the most beautiful love story ever written.”

  “You think we can make it? Even after everything?”

  “I know we can, we have no choice.”

  She loosens her body and allows me to pull her to me. Her breathing evens out when she falls asleep. I kiss her temple endlessly thinking about how I need to make this up to her.

  Chapter 9

  He Wasn’t You

  Raven

  I wake up to a stream of light coming through the curtains. The heat and warmth of Declan’s body wrapped around mine makes me feel cherished. As much as I tried to ignore and deny the feelings I felt so deeply for him, when his arms are around me I know. I am his forever.

  I have no idea what time it is but I don’t want to go back home yet. I can’t hide forever, but I have a lot of questions facing me back in Nashville. Also, I think Declan and I need more time alone. I start school in a few weeks and by then we’ll know what’s in store for Sayge.

  The last two days have been the most emotionally draining of my life. Leaving Finn at the airport in France torn my heart out. I knew things would be different for us when we got back to Nashville, but I never expected him to stay. As soon as I get home, I’m going to call him and talk through his decision. It’s not too late to come back.

  Declan’s soft beard rubs along my neck and his teeth graze my ear. Instantly my body reacts and my nipples harden under my nightie. The new facial hair is a complete turn on.

  “I know you’re awake.”

  “Go back to sleep.”

  “Why would I sleep when you’re awake? What time is it?”

  “Not sure, but I need to run to the bathroom, and then I think I’ll try to sleep again.”

  He lets me loose, and I reluctantly get out of bed. When I see my reflection in the mirror it is obvious, I had a crying fest yesterday. My face is swollen and blotchy; my eyes are blood shot, and my hair is out of control. After I use the bathroom and brush my teeth, I run a washcloth under the cold water and plaster it against my face to try and relieve some of the swelling. Declan knocks at the door, and I open it without removing the cloth.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I look like shit, I’m trying to get my face back to normal.”

  “Do you think I could use the bathroom while you do that?” I hear him lifting the toilet lid and scuffling his shorts.

  “Gross! I’m not standing in here while you pee! I’ll meet you back in bed.”

  A few minutes later the bed moves and he pulls me over to him. He takes the cloth off my face and throws it to the side.

  “Is my face any better?” I ask.

  “How much better could it get? It’s pretty fucking perfect to me.”

  “Is the puffiness gone?”

  His face gets serious, and he runs his hands through my hair. “Yeah babe, the swelling went down. But you’re still beautiful to me.”

  He’s so close but holding back, waiting for me to make the first move. I lift my arm up and run it through his hair and down his face. I stop when my fingers touch his lips, and then rub my fingers across them toying with his ring. He surprises me by sucking the tips into his mouth kissing them delicately. I pull back but only to lift myself and replace my fingers with my lips. He opens his mouth and accepts me. At first, I’m slow and sweet but then I crush my body against his and put all my feelings into my actions. Our tongues swirl together, and our heads rotate. He lies on top of me with our bodies pressed together. The kiss is passionate and needy, and his erection pokes my hip. We move against one another reacquainting from the long hiatus. His fingers glide down my neck and lower the straps of my nightie over my shoulders. When the cool air hits my throbbing nipples, I suck in a breath. Goose bumps cover every inch of my exposed skin, and I shiver under him.

  He moves slightly breaking our kiss to move his lips down the path his fingers traveled. When he gets to my chest, he pulls back and stares. After a few seconds, I squirm feeling uncomfortable. He raises his eyes to meet mine, and I see so much in his expression; lust, love, the primal instinct to wrap me in his arms and never let go. I reach up and run my hands over his biceps and grip his shoulders. He still hasn’t moved, and he’s staring almost through me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I swore to God I would never ask because I don’t kno
w if I could stomach the answer. But I have to know, if we keep going, do I need a condom?”

  My head swims in confusion as he looks at me with a broken expression. The lust from a few minutes ago has been replaced with apprehension. My heart jumps to my throat. “I thought you said you hadn’t been with anyone else.” I whisper.

  He’s quiet for a minute. “Baby, I haven’t, but have you?”

  He’s completely frozen waiting on me to answer. It takes my brain a while to catch on to his question. He’s asking me if I slept with Finn.

  “No, Declan, you don’t need a condom. I’ve never been with anyone but you.”

  The relief that washes over his face makes my stomach turn in guilt. He tries to lower himself over me again, but I feel like I’ve been hit with ice water. He notices the change in me and moves to the side and cuddles my half-dressed body to him.

  “I guess I really know how to ruin a moment huh?”

  I don’t answer for a few minutes but hold him tighter against my back. “Declan, I know you don’t want to talk about what happened, but I need to talk about it. Can you handle it?”

  Silence is my answer until he clears his throat. “Yes, but not here. Not in bed. I’ll listen, but I can’t be in bed with you. Nothing you can tell me will change how I feel about you, but when we lay in bed I never want to think about you and Finn.”

  “Fair enough, but I have a request. I’m not ready to go home yet. I need another night with you. When I get back, I have a lot facing me. We don’t have to stay at the Ritz, but can we hide for a little while longer?”

  His face lights up and he gives me one of his signature smiles. “If you want to hide, we will hide. And I want to stay here another night. There’s so much we haven’t taken advantage of yet. Did you see the bathtub?” He winks and eases off the bed leaving me. “First, I’ll take a shower and then we’ll eat. What do you want to do today?”

  “Honestly, I want to spend the day with you. Why don’t we hit the pool after lunch?”

  He nods his head and shuts the bathroom door. I get my phone and take the coward’s way out. I text my friends I won’t be home until sometime tomorrow and call my mom’s cell to leave a message. I know she had a lunch engagement today. I’m not ready to talk to any of them until I know if Declan and I will be okay.

  *****

  We have lunch at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants in the city. When I lived here, my girlfriends and I would eat here at least twice a month. I recognize most of the staff and the owner waves at us from the kitchen when we walk in.

  “Do you know him?” Declan asks and puts his hand on my lower back possessively.

  “Relax, he’s the owner. He knew the four of us when I went to school here. This place is pretty famous among college students. The food is delicious and the margarita’s awesome.”

  He nods his head at me as we slide in a booth in the back.

  When the waiter brings our drinks, and we order our food, I know it’s time for me to talk.

  I grab Declan’s hand across the table and squeeze. “I didn’t know for a while. It was a surprise to me.”

  He looks at me with complete confusion.

  “I didn’t know Finn was in love with me. I knew Finn loves me as I love him. But it wasn’t until our second or third week he told me. When I called Ella on her birthday, and you answered my heart broke again. I was so mad at myself and carried so much guilt. I knew you had been texting and calling but hearing your voice brought pain. After we had hung up, I tortured myself that night by pulling up all your performances and watching all the video footage I could find. Then I went to your webpages and looked through all the pictures and comments. I cried myself to sleep.”

  “Sparkle, we really don’t have to talk about this. It hurts me now, sitting here six weeks later that you were in pain. I have no desire to dredge up something that happened because I was an idiot.”

  “Declan, we do need to talk about this if we want to move forward. I have always been honest with you and I need to tell you everything. Finn is not going to disappear from my life. He’s too important to me.”

  “You do realize I’m insanely jealous right?”

  “Yes, that’s why you need to know. In the end, I think Finn may have saved our relationship.”

  “I’m really not sure how you come up with that logic, but I’m listening.”

  The waiter brings our food and leaves quickly noticing the tension.

  “I’m not going to draw out the story, but basically he made me realize I was ruined for anyone else. I had to come back to you and see if we were repairable. You have to remember, I thought you were moving on without me. The pictures online, the videos from screaming girls, Charlie seeing that girl leaving the bus–all of that weighed on my mind.”

  “You’ve go–” He tries to interrupt.

  “Let me finish. Finn dried my tears the first two weeks. He helped me keep busy. We worked together; we worked out together, almost all of our time was together. Things just progressed. The weekend after our phone call we went sightseeing around the city. It was comfortable, and I let myself relax. I still had emotional heaviness, but he helped me get past that. Then one night things got a little out of control, and before it went too far he stopped us.”

  “Not sure this is part of the story I need to know Raven. This is how he saved our relationship?”

  “No, but he knew I wasn’t ready to have sex with him, and I was doing it to erase the pain. He said he couldn’t make love to me with my mind on you. And he was right. I would have pictured you in my mind. I broke down because he is a great guy. He deserves more than that, and I was about to possibly throw away our friendship by getting intimately involved, while my heart still belonged to you. Don’t you see? He stopped me from making a huge mistake because he realized he wasn’t you.”

  Declan pushes his food to the side, barely eating anything. “I guess I can see your logic but I want to beat the shit out of him.”

  “Well, you’re not going to. I love you. I’m here with you. Some part of me thinks if I had followed through with him, we’d never get back to where we were. You would never forgive me.”

  “I would have forgiven you. I’ll always forgive you. I’m really fucking glad I don’t have to forgive you. In your mind, we were apart. But in my mind we weren’t. I knew he followed you, and I knew his intentions. I never once forgot about you. Since I couldn’t talk to you, I wrote you. Every day I wrote you a letter. I saved them in a journal for you to see if you want. I captured every show and every city for you to know about. I won’t lie; the first two weeks were hell. I drank, and I performed. I wouldn’t talk to the guys because, in my mind, they betrayed us. To me, they pressured me. To you, they betrayed your friendship. The turning point was the weekend my sisters came to visit for Ella’s birthday, and Jimi set me straight a little, but it was really Ryan Knight that was the game changer.”

  “Huh, how’s that?”

  “I’m not kidding when I say I drank all the time. We were at a bar after a concert, and I was outside smoking–another bad habit I picked up this summer. I don’t really remember the details because I was wasted. Thank God Ryan followed me.”

  “Tell me what happened.”

  He tells me about the night in Charleston. I push my lunch away knowing what I did eat may be coming up soon. Even though I was prepared this could happen, I don’t want any details.

  “Raven, I didn’t mess around with anyone. I don’t even know this girl’s name. Ryan took me back to the hotel to pass out and the next day he sat me down to talk. I was lucky no one else saw because I was so ashamed. That’s not the man I am anymore. You made me a better person. I stopped drinking so much, stopped smoking, and poured my energy into other things. We started running and working out to pass the time. Then I kept writing to keep me busy at night. Some of the stuff I wrote when I was drunk was great–it’s raw and unashamed. But the other stuff is good too.”

  “I guess I should than
k him.”

  “I’ve thanked him enough to last a lifetime.”

  “So what do we do now? How do we get back to where we were? Do you even want to?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  My heart sinks. I thought I hurt before, but sitting here in front of him the rejection seeps its way through my bones. My eyes swell with unstoppable tears. I move to run to the bathroom, but he’s on me instantly. He pins me to the booth and wipes my cheeks with his thumbs.

  “Sweet Angel, I don’t want to go back to where we were because back then I gave you reason to doubt me. I want to get to a new place where you know you’re all that matters to me. You will never doubt me again. No one has ever needed anyone in their life like I need you. You are my lifeline to breathe. You own my heart, and I want yours back. I will work like hell to get it back. Please tell me we’re okay.”

  I’m paralyzed by his words and the look on his face. Our slate is clean. He’s ready to let go and move forward. I don’t have any more doubts. I’ve been so scared he wouldn’t be able to move beyond my relationship with Finn, but now I know we’re going to be fine.

  “We’re going to be okay.”

  I reach out and pull him in as close as possible, aware of the busy restaurant around us. “I think I’m ready to go back to the room now. It’s about time for a proper homecoming.”

  He lifts me out of the booth and throws some money on the table. A few minutes later we are in the truck roaring through town to get back to the Ritz for our overdue reunion.

  Chapter 10

  I Feel Whole Again

  My body’s on fire. Declan hasn’t put me down since he picked me out of the truck. People stared at us coming through the lobby, but I didn’t care. I hold onto him tight, trying to calm the rapid beating of my heart. When we get to the room, he balances me with one arm while he fiddles with the key trying to open the door. After a few attempts, I try to jump down but he holds me closer.