Surviving Read online

  He turns off the water and steps out of the shower with me still in his arms. He sits me on the counter and grabs a towel to dry us off. While he’s turned away, I take the time to fully appreciate his body. I’ve seen him shirtless hundreds of times, but the rest of him is perfection. His built frame is muscular all over. When my eyes land on his erection, my jaw drops.

  “You like, Baby Girl?” Finn’s voice brings me out of my haze.

  Heat rises up my face because I know I’ve been caught staring. But for the love of God, he’s beautiful–everywhere! “Um, yes.” I squeak.

  He smiles as he wraps a towel around me, basically covering up my naked body. I look at him confused, but he picks me up and carries me to his bed.

  “RJ, want to tell me what that was about? I’m not complaining, but the first time I have you is not going to be against a fucking shower wall.”

  “I wanted to surprise you.”

  “You did, but you didn’t answer me. You know damn well what could have happened. Are you ready for that? Are you ready to let Declan go and let me make love to you?”

  “Yes,” I say without hesitation. I love Finn. It may not be the heart crushing, monumental love I have for Declan. But my love for Finn is warmth, friendship, family, loyalty, and comfort. I know in my heart he will never hurt me.

  Finn rolls me over and braces on his elbows on top of me. He kisses me lightly, and I link my arms around his shoulders. Taking his time to kiss a path from my earlobes to my collarbone, his hand comes down to the towel around my chest, and when it slides open, my body tenses.

  Before I know what’s happened, Finn has jumped off me and is sitting on the side of the bed with his head in his hands. “I didn’t think so. It was too fucking good to be true.”

  “What are you talking about?” I ask softly.

  “Raven, I’m a man. A real man. I love you, and if I make love to you for the first time, I need to know you are mine. And you are far from mine. Even though it’s just me and you in this room, he’s here too. He’s in your thoughts and on your mind. I won’t be a threesome in my own head.”

  His words hit me hard, and I can’t argue. I’m so ashamed, I let my hurt and anger at Declan lead me to upsetting my best friend. I reach out and touch his back and he looks over at me with no emotion. The second his eyes meet mine, something in my chest cracks open. I sob loudly and crawl to his lap. He holds me tight as I shake and wail into his neck. I never replaced my towel, so we are chest to chest, but it’s not in any way sexual. He knows I need him and wraps his arms around my back letting me cry.

  I’m not sure how long we sit like this but when I’m finally able to speak, I apologize over and over.

  “Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Calm down.” He says soothingly into my ear.

  When my breathing returns to normal, Finn scoots out from under me and walks to his dresser. He returns with a t-shirt for me to put on.

  “Let me get on some clothes. You’re sleeping in here with me tonight.”

  When his bathroom door closes, I run to my room and put on some sleep shorts and wash my face. Even though you can tell I have been crying, the cold water helps.

  Finn is waiting on his bed for me and I crawl into his warm body and hold onto his chest.

  “You want to talk about it?”

  “Not really. I’m embarrassed, humiliated, and disgusted at myself for hurting you.”

  “Babe, gotta say, your tight body pressed up against mine naked was pretty hot.”

  “Finn!” I swat at his arm and smile. He smiles back and just like that; we are okay.

  *****

  Our last week in Paris is busy. Jack throws us a small going away party at the office on our last day. We are scheduled to fly out tomorrow midmorning so, after the party, we leave to finish packing. I’m pretty much finished, and I assume Finn is too when he asks me to go for a run with him. We circle the streets of the neighborhood and I try to memorize everything. Even though the reasoning for coming to Paris was to heal a broken heart, it was so much more. I’ve had some of the most wonderful experiences of my life, and I have Finn to thank for that.

  Our last meal is served on the back deck of Jack’s house. He insisted on breakfast before we leave for the airport. Finn is very quiet throughout the conversation, and I wonder if he’s nervous about returning home.

  Finn takes my bags to the waiting car as I say my final goodbyes. Jack promises me a job anytime I want to come back. I get into the backseat and watch Finn and Jack shake hands. When we pull away, I wave until I can’t see the house anymore.

  “Finn, what happens when we get back to Nashville?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “About us.”

  “Baby Girl, there is no us.”

  “How can you say that? Of course there is!”

  “Let’s not talk about it now. Let’s see how things play out.” He holds my hand and rubs circles on my palm with his thumb.

  “Is this about the other night?”

  “No. Even though the result wasn’t exactly as I pictured it, the other night was perfect. I wasn’t kidding, RJ. I love you. I know you’re in a delicate place right now.”

  I lay my head against his shoulder and watch the city as we pass by.

  When we get to the airport, Finn hands my bags to the skycap and I get checked in. I turn around to see Finn waiting at the car looking at me sadly. All of the sudden, a sense of dread washes over me. Where are his bags? Why isn’t he checking in?

  I walk up to him slowly trying telling myself this isn’t what it seems. He holds open his arms, and I rush into them.

  “Finn?” I ask the question without saying the words.

  “RJ, I’m staying for a while.”

  “Nooo!” I shriek into his chest. “Please don’t do this!”

  “Shhh...”

  “No! Don’t you shhh me! This is my fault. I’m such a selfish cow!”

  “Not at all, Jack offered me a really great opportunity and I chose to take it.”

  “Please, Finn, I beg you. Please don’t stay here. I need you. You’re my rock. You make everything better. I know it’s selfish, but I promise it’s the truth. After the last six weeks, you can’t send me away without you. I do love you; I do!!” I’m full out crying on the sidewalk with people staring at me, but I don’t care.

  “RJ, listen to me. I know you love me, but not in the same way. And you’re wrong, you don’t need me. You are strong and smart. You know what’s in your heart and in your head. I will always be here for you, day or night. But you need to go home and fight for what you want. This summer was incredible. Not a single day will I ever forget. You told me weeks ago you were broken, and I told you I wanted to help. I think I have. I think together we were able to piece you back together. But I honestly don’t think we can ever have anything solid unless you figure things out with Declan. I realize I’m sending you back to him, but I kind of think that’s where you belong.”

  “No, No, No! Please Finn; don’t stay here because I’m an idiot.”

  “You’re not an idiot. You’re a beautiful woman with a heart of gold. I love you, RJ.”

  I shake my head against his chest holding onto his shirt tight. I’m not going to let him go. I can’t leave this country without him. I lift up and pull his mouth to mine, trying to tell him how much he means to me. He kisses me back without restraint and holds me close for a few minutes.

  “Baby, you have to go. I’ll walk you to security, but that’s as far as they’ll let me.” I can tell by the tone in his voice, his mind is set

  I let him guide me to the security gate and give me another kiss goodbye. I don’t trust myself to speak because the tears are still falling down my cheeks. He watches me closely until I am all the way through. He waves and then turns to walk away. I swear I saw a tear on his cheek, but I can’t be sure.

  I walk to my terminal in a daze. My mind is racing, and my heart is heavy. If I thought I was broken on my way here, I’m shatter
ed on my way home. How did I lose my fiancée and best friend in less than nine weeks?

  Finn

  Fuck! It hurts. Goddammit–I’m a fucking Marine. Buck the fuck up! It was all I could do to push her through security. Her tears and pleas almost broke me. I wanted to get on that plane with her so bad. But I wasn’t lying. Jack has offered me a great opportunity if I stay for a while.

  I knew it was a long shot, but I tried anyways. Hell, if she called me tomorrow and told me she truly broke things off with Declan and all ties were severed; I would be on the next plane home. But I’m not stupid. Raven’s heart belongs to another man, and until I know she can love me with all of herself, I won’t be in their way. There’s nothing I regret. As I told her, Paris is ours. So why the hell am I crying?

  Shaking away the thoughts of her devastated face, I pull out my phone and make the one call I never wanted to make.

  Chapter 7

  Coming Home

  Raven

  I’m sure it’s the same flight attendants from eight weeks ago when I fled to Paris on this return trip. Then I cried for the loss of Declan, this time I cry for the loss of Finn. They give me warm looks, probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me again, but I don’t care. When I left Finn in the airport, a piece of me broke.

  My friend, my protector, my confidant sent me home to repair my broken relationship while he stays behind. I wanted to tell him I love him in a new way, but I couldn’t. Fucking Declan Collins!

  The truth is I don’t deserve either of them. I left Declan without an explanation and without a clue I was bailing on him–on us. Finn deserved the best woman in the world, and I’m jaded. I fell in love with a rock and roll, tattooed bad boy that promised me forever. When Finn said he would wait for me, I knew then he knew the truth. I belonged to Declan and couldn’t run from my feelings if I tried. Even if he has moved on this summer with me gone, I have to get over him before I think about another relationship.

  I’m in such a daze getting off the plane in Atlanta I don’t notice anyone around me. A few people bump into me trying to rush to their connectors, but I’m numb.

  All of the sudden, a chill runs through my body. It’s him. I look all around until I’m frozen by the most beautiful pair of piercing green eyes. Declan’s leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed watching me.

  Everything I have in my hands and on my arms falls to the ground. My bags spill all over the terminal and my water goes everywhere. People jump back, but I don’t move. I’m frozen looking at the man who means so much to me. I’ve dreamed for weeks what it would be like when I saw him again and at this moment my world tilts on an axis. I’m no longer in a busy airport with people rushing around. Right now, it’s only us looking at each other with love and hurt. His hair is a mess and he’s grown a semi-beard. He’s sizing me up with an intense stare.

  “Excuse me, Miss, are you okay?” a stranger breaks in to help pick up my bag.

  I snap out of my haze and lean down instantly to retrieve my things. When I reach for my phone, I feel the familiar warmth of his hand on mine. The spark between us causes a burning through my body. The stranger leaves as Declan puts the remaining items in my bag and helps me up.

  Leading me out of the way into a small hallway meant for the staff he turns me to face him. Neither of us says anything for a few seconds until I can’t stand the silence. I throw myself into his arms and sob. He pulls me as close as possible and wraps me tightly into him. I didn’t think I had any tears left, but I cry silently into his chest.

  “Are you really here? H-h-how did you find me?”

  “Sparkle, did you think that the minute you landed on U.S. soil I wouldn’t be waiting for you? It didn’t matter, New York, LA, Miami–I would be right here with you. I’ve been counting down for the last fifty-five days.”

  I compose myself enough to look up at his face. The moment our eyes meet, more tears slide down my cheeks. “You came for me. All this way?”

  “Yes, baby, I came for you. If you weren’t so stubborn, I would have come to Paris to get to you, but I wanted to respect your wishes, and your parents talked me out of it. At least Atlanta was in driving distance.”

  “But how did you get to the gate? How are you here with me in the terminal?”

  “I talked the customer service agent into giving me a security pass so I could get to the gate and wait for you. I was petrified of trying to find you at baggage. I needed to see you the instant you got off the plane.”

  “I’m sorry I broke down. I was shocked, and it’s been a long day.”

  “I know, let’s go get your luggage and get through customs.” He laces his fingers through mine and leads us back into the crowd towards baggage claim.

  “What about my flight back to Nashville?”

  “I’m your new form of transportation.”

  “You’re driving us back tonight? My parents are expecting me tonight.”

  “Yes, I’m driving us, but not tonight. I already spoke to James and Jenna, and they expect you tomorrow afternoon. Tonight is for us.”

  He helps me get my bags and waits for me to get through customs, which takes a while.

  When we get outside, I shed my sweater immediately. August in Atlanta is sticky and thick. The humidity clings in the air and I think about the perfect weather Finn and I had this morning over breakfast. Of course then I didn’t know it was our last meal together for a while. My eyes sting again with tears.

  “Baby, you okay?”

  “Yes, I’m thinking about this morning before I left. Wait, you knew Finn was in Paris with me–how did you know I was coming home alone?”

  He opens his trunk to put my bags in and turns to me. “Finn called me. He knew I was meeting you in Atlanta, and I guess he wanted to let me know you were alone.”

  “What? When did you talk to him? I didn’t know until this morning when we got to the airport he was staying in Paris.”

  Declan grabs my face in his hands gently and lowers his face to mine. “Sparkle, we have all night to talk and answer each other’s questions. But right now, I need to kiss you.”

  He doesn’t wait for me to answer, he covers my mouth with his own and my body reacts on instinct. I lean into him. Our tongues swirl and dance. He lowers his hands to grip my hips, and I run my hands through his hair. The new facial hair rubs against me roughly, but I don’t stop. I put everything I have into this kiss. My body ignites with his and I feel a sense of desire I haven’t felt in over eight weeks. It feels right, it feels all-consuming, and it feels like home.

  He runs his hands up my back and grabs the back of my head. He slows our kiss and reluctantly pulls away. I try to catch my breath but he keeps kissing my down my neck until he reaches my collarbone.

  “Fuck I missed you. Please tell me you still feel it. Please tell me you feel the spark.”

  I breathlessly nod my head.

  He leads me to the passenger seat and lifts me up into the truck. When he climbs in his side, he tugs me over for a quick peck before he starts the truck and drives us towards Atlanta.

  I think I’m still in shock because I can’t form a sentence, so I stare out the window. My mind is racing with so many questions and so much regret, and I’m pretty sure Declan is going to hate me when he finds out about my time with Finn in Paris.

  “Why are you so quiet?” He pulls my hand out of my lap so he can hold it.

  “I think I’m in shock. I’m surprised to see you and be here right now.”

  “Rave, I wouldn’t be anywhere else in the world than with you when you returned. I finally broke your mom down, and she told me your return flight information. Since then, I have rehearsed so many things I want to say to you, and when you walked off that plane, you were a vision in my dreams.”

  Tears threaten again but I squeeze his hand to let him know his words mean a lot to me. He pulls off a familiar exit headed towards Lenox Square.

  “Dec, where are we going?”

  “I got us a room fo
r the night so we could talk, and I need some time with you before I give you back to your family and friends tomorrow. I’m not in the mood to share but, Charlie threatened my manhood if I didn’t have you home by tomorrow afternoon.”

  I smile about that conversation. Then I remember I need to call my parents. I find my phone and power it up, and I have several text messages but only one catches my eye. It’s from Finn.

  Baby Girl, I called him for a reason. I’m still not convinced he deserves you, but I know when I’ve been beat. I love you. Let me know when you get home safely.

  My heart breaks all over again. Leaving him this morning was tortuous, but this is too much. The ocean separates us and there’s an ache in my heart for my best friend. Declan notices the change in my demeanor.

  “Was that from Finn?”

  “Yes, how’d you know?”

  “Finn and I spoke at length today. I was pretty sure he was going to contact to you when you landed.”

  I didn’t realize we had stopped, but a bellman opens my door and I look at my surroundings.

  “Oh my God! We’re at the Ritz. What are we doing here?”

  “First thing we’re doing is checking in and then getting dinner. I wanted the best for your first night back in my arms.”

  My heart drops again because I have to tell him about me and Finn. But he swings out and goes inside to check us in.

  I fumble in the back trying to get to a change of clothes for the night. Declan comes back and pulls a rolling suitcase from the backseat.

  “Raven, I got your stuff for tonight. Don’t worry about rummaging through luggage. Come on.” He extends his hand to me, and I follow him to our room.

  Chapter 8

  The Ritz Carlton

  Our room is beautiful. Declan must have arranged to have a room higher level because the view is great. I drop my purse on the chair and gaze out across the skyline. His arms settle on my hips, and I lay back on his chest.

  “Penny for your thoughts?”

  I can’t help but giggle. Such an odd thing to hear from him.